Olive's Blog

Much to be Thankful For

2010-11-25T11:59:00.000-08:00

How ~~coincidental~~... ~~ironic~~... perfect that Olive's birthday would land on Thanksgiving Day. I can and can't believe it's been three years since we held her.

Twenty family members and close friends gathered together in her memory last night for our annual dinner at the Olive Garden. She sure is loved.

Olive, love, in case you get Wifi in Heaven, happy birthday sweet girl.

He Won't Relent

2010-08-27T17:33:00.000-07:00

I've felt a burning in the pit of my stomach every time I heard this song over the past year. I think I've mentioned (I don't feel like re-reading any of my previous posts) that the year following having & losing Olive all in a matter of an hour, I sort of checked out spiritually. Worship at church was like a war zone in my head, prayer like talking to the ceiling. Some described it as a crisis of faith, but like Peter said, to whom shall I go?

This second year (Olive would have been three this November) I've been impatiently waiting for something to jolt me out of this funk and get me past this obsession with unanswerable questions. Some lyrics in this song have been deeply resinating with me... I'm feeling God's relentlessness towards me.

Back when I was questioning everything I'd ever believed about God and my relationship with Him, I would recall the moment I received Him. I was 19 or 20, sitting in a dark, little church. It was the evening of Good Friday and only a few other people were there, sporadically seated nowhere close to me. We were watching some old Jesus movie that probably any other Christian would recognize. I had already decided that I believe all this stuff about His death and resurrection and was about to take the leap. I told Jesus that I didn't know what this would mean for my life, how it would change, but that none of that was relevant because this wasn't about me, it was about truth.

Now I hear this song and I remember that seal I set upon my heart. It never meant that I would be rescued from the pain of this world, that dark times would never come. It never meant that I would understand every move God made (or didn't make) in my life. Now, especially after hearing a teaching on Revelation 9, I'm feeling ready to receive God on a whole new level because I can trust Him after losing her. I have this sense that I'm on the brink of entering into this hugely intense level of relationship with Him and it comes with an urgency.

You won't relent until You have it all
My heart is Yours

I'll set You as a seal upon my heart

As a seal upon my arm

For there is love that is as strong as death

Jealousy demanding as the grave

Many waters cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me

Come be the flame upon my heart

come be the fire inside of me

Until You and I are one

You Won't Relent(Written by Misty Edwards, Performed here by Jesus Culture)

Reid

2009-10-19T22:57:00.002-07:00

I recently made a connection with someone all the way in England who has found me through this blog, which is pretty cool since I considered this blog to have been just floating around in cyberspace, forgotten. Sadly, our connection is because the baby she's carrying has also been diagnosed with Potter's Syndrome/Sequence. She has older children and therefore has the difficult decision to make of how and when to tell them, which got me thinking about Reid.

She inspired a conversation I had with Reid, asking him if he remembered Olive. He said "yeah" but couldn't give me specifics. So, I showed him her photo album and told him about how she was only here for a short time and then went to Heaven. I told him how much we missed her, but we knew we would see her in heaven. He humored me, but mostly just made it clear that he was disappointed I hadn't gotten the Star Wars pop-up book off the shelf instead!

That had, however, initiated conversations between Reid and me about heaven over the following couple weeks. I contemplated whether or not I wanted to hold off on the subject of death. He is only three. Would I be robbing him of his right to be carefree? No, I decided. I want my kids to grow up understanding that this life and the world around us is temporary. There's more. So, when I was buckling him into his car seat the other day and he asked me if he could go to God's house, I explained, "Yes, you could. When you die, if you have given your life to Jesus, then you will get to go to God's house.

"When I die?" he asked innocently.

"Yes," I answered. "We're all going to die. We're only here for a little while and then we'll get to be with God in heaven, His house. Mom and Dad will be going there and Olive is already there. She was only here for a little while and now she's with God."

He seemed to be following me. "At God's house?" he asked.

"Yes! Heaven!" I responded.

"Will He take me to the farm?" he asked sincerely.

"I'm pretty sure He would love to." I answered.

A Key

2009-10-17T01:00:00.002-07:00

Next month is Olive's second birthday. What am I still doing here?? The year following Olive's big debut, I granted myself a spiritual leave of absence. It was as if I had thought and prayed harder during that pregnancy than ever before in my life and when it was over I just turned my brain and heart off. I drowned out any thoughts about God because they led to questions I couldn't answer. I felt as if I so hugely misinterpreted who He is when I sought him more than ever before, that I couldn't help but wonder if I ever knew him at all. Confronting those questions led to my wondering if I've created every encounter I've ever thought I've had with Him in my imagination.

After about a year, I had a dream. It was as if all that suppressed stuff was forcing its way to the surface through my subconscious. In this dream I was in a dimly lit, black room with a stage, much like the iMusicast room that Regeneration met in when I first gave my life over to Jesus. There was a red telephone on the stage. I was pretty sure I was dead and was in some kind of limbo. I was in one of the seats among others below waiting for my turn. Then it came. I somehow knew God was on the line. With much hesitation I answered. God had the voice of a large, older, southern black woman (and no, I hadn't yet read "The Shack"). God asked me if there was an olive in my martini. And like we often do with surrealistic dreams, I knew what He was asking. And yes, there was an olive in my martini, I confessed. I had put Olive between us. That's all I remembered.

I knew God was telling me it was time. My L.O.A. had come to an end. Trying to confront questions which I cannot answer led to my questioning of every God encounter I'd ever thought I had, major and minor. After believing for about seven years that I was part of a grand plan of a great and loving god, I cannot articulate the pain in sincerely contemplating if it all really is random, death is death, and on top of that my Olive really is gone. To say that it was an uncomfortable process would be an understatement. At one point I cursed God for reminding me where my flash drive was. I did. See, we have this thing, God and I, where, when I lose something important, I ask Him where it is and He tells me. So, after searching every possible place I could think of and still coming up dry, it occurred to me to ask the one true know-it-all. I got on my knees, quieted my head, and said to him something along the lines of, "Hi. I know we haven't talked for a long time... But I lost my flash drive... And I know you know where it is, so if you'd like to let me know..." And of course it came to me. I should have been grateful. I should have been ecstatic. Instead, I was more like WTF?? (Sorry mother-in-law and everyone else who reads this whom I respect. But really, WTF?????) "Ok, so you're really there. So, where WERE you?????" I was devastated.

However, I came to the conclusion that I still believe.

So, then what? I tried signing up for a few women's bible studies because, well, that's what you do, right? I recall worship sessions being like a flood of arguments in my head about the truth in the lyrics projected on the screen in front of me. I hated it. It felt like my skin was being clawed off, not to be dramatic. I remember, despite all the arguments proceeding in my head about the teachings in the studies, receiving nuggets of gold that would surely help me move on into a "normal" walk with God. But then I'd forget what they were.

I can't say I didn't think this would happen if Olive wasn't healed. I was well aware. I guess I just didn't expect it to take so long to overcome. She'd have turned two this November. And here I am. I am happy and blessed. I love my life. I know I lack a certain joy, though. I don't pray. I don't know how anymore. They hit the ceiling, if you know what I mean. I keep looking for something... Something to jolt me out of this funk. A key. A breakthrough. Nothing.

Despite my frustration in my need for some tangible means to move forward, I'm beginning to understand that I'm right where I'm supposed to be and I need to just be.

Insight welcome.

Red Tape

2009-09-22T06:52:00.002-07:00

Blogging via my phone from the parking lot of the Social Security office, so please excuse the broken sentences and any typos...

I'm sure anyone who reads this can share in my dislike of tax-filing, call trees, mail from the IRS that doesn't include a check, filling out cryptic forms which require instructions for their instructions, repeated recordings about how important your call is while waiting on hold only to be put on hold longer, and wasting half a day at the social security office (or any government office for that matter), especially when it turns out you actually didn't need to go there in the first place. That's right. I'm ranting.

Long story, short:
1.  Claimed Olive on our 2007 taxes (tax lady said we get the exemption for the whole year, as she was a "live birth" and we think Olive would've wanted it that way). =)
2.  Ordered official birth certificate and sent with tax filing.
3.  Received tax return, less Olive's exemption with a letter from IRS denying exemption w/out a social security number (SSN) for her.
4.  Tax lady said to order official death certificate and send with official birth certificate to IRS with 1040x Amend form, writing "deceased" in SSN field.
5.  IRS responds with letter insisting on an SSN, or tax ID number (ITIN) if not eligible for an SSN, in order to file our return and claim the exemption.
6.  Called Social Security office who told me to fill out an application for an SSN and bring to office with birth and death certificate.
7. A year and a half later: Social Security office guy tells me, after long wait and Colby taking day off to watch the boys, that they can't issue new SSN's for "deceased." All those things I ranted about above, I very much dislike, but talking to strangers over the phone and through windows with little holes to speak through about my "deceased" daughter... That, I hate... Almost as much as I hate seeing "Never Married" on my daughter's death certificate.
8. Anyway, SS guy gives me a W-7 form to fill out and mail to IRS to get Olive's ITIN.
9. Once I get her ITIN I can complete another 1040x Amend form and mail it to the IRS to claim the exemption.

Did I mention that this exemption is for $1,200?? I plan to put it towards converting one of our spare rooms into a homeschool classroom. Hopefully this works and I can save someone else from having to navigate through all this red tape. Now I'm off to another government office, the DMV, but with a much more exciting purpose: to trade in my motorcycle rider's permit for my M1 license! First, a stop at In n Out. I deserve it!

Happy Birthday, Olive!

2008-11-25T08:44:00.002-08:00

Today, our little Olive would be one year old! Somehow the past year has dragged on, but flown by all at the same time. Just like the day of her birth, today has so far been filled with both mourning and joy. Colby and I spent this morning watching the sunrise, as we did the morning after losing Olive. We also thought it would be an appropriate day to complete the writing of her birth story, which I've posted here to share with you all. I feel like I've just relived that day by completing that. Later tonight, we'll be gathering with family to celebrate at the Olive Garden. =) This could be the beginning of a new tradition!

Anyway, happy birthday, dear Olive. We miss you!

Click here to read Olive's birth story.

Reason to Celebrate!!

2008-08-13T15:14:00.002-07:00

The first image that came up on the monitor showed lots of darkness surrounding Baby, which is the amniotic fluid... EVIDENCE OF KIDNEYS!!!!!!! We were immediately being put at ease and able to actually enjoy the experience! The radiologists found everything that they wanted to, all major organs, including two healthy, functioning kidneys, and all extremities, as far as could be assessed via ultrasound. Since everything seems to be healthy as hoped, we kept with our plan to keep Baby's gender a Christmas surprise (due date is 12/28!), although the radiologist said it was obvious to her. =) We may even go forth with our desire for a home birth... we'll see!

This feels like the beginning of a new pregnancy. I've already noticed a change in Colby in how he's now allowing himself to get excited about Baby. And in perfect timing, he got to feel this baby move for the very first time last night as we were falling asleep.

Now for a sneek peek:

Baby's profile with hand up to mouth and knee bent...

Profile of Baby's face:

Profile of Baby's face with mouth open, swallowing fluid, which technically is pee.... Let me help you understand the beauty of this.... Baby uses kidneys in order to pee, creating the amniotic fluid, which surrounds and protects him/her. Baby then swallows and practices "breathing" the fluid, which continues the process, meanwhle developing Baby's lungs for life outside my womb. Since Olive did not develop kidneys, she was unable to creat fluid to help in the development of her lungs. And that is why this sonogram of Baby swalloing its own pee is such a beautiful thing. =)

Thanks everybody for your encouraging emails and phone calls, and especially for joining with us to pray for this baby until he or she is safely in our arms... (Then we'll really need to start praying!)

A New Soul Brews...

2008-08-10T23:54:00.002-07:00

This pregnancy has understandably brought on many recollections of all that we had recently been through, but most of all, it has been very healing for me. I've been forced to shift my focus to the future. A brand new soul brews in my belly! A little sister or brother for Reid and Olive. I feel sooooo blessed.

After our eyes have been forced open to the evil that steals life and joy, our experience with this pregnancy is no longer the blissful, innocent experience that it should be. We have our ultraound this Tuesday where, instead of being excited about the opportunity to peer in on this new life and potentially get a sneak peek on whether I'm carrying a baby boy or girl, we are battling nerves and fears of hope for a healthy baby. I've chosen to simply not worry, though. My worries or fears will not change any outcome, nor will any outcome influence our decision to carry this baby as nature allows. So, I choose not to worry and I choose to hope.

Please hope and pray with us for kidneys and all other parts that make a healthy baby! The ultrasound is this Tuesday at 1:30. We've opted to have a level two ultrasound, which takes extra time to check on each organ in better detail. I'm not nervous right now, but I imagine we will be as we drive to the doctor's office, as I lie on the table, as the doctor stares at a monitor for what will probably seem like an eternity before saying anything. Adding to the sense of deja vu is the fact that this pregnancy is only one week earlier this year than my pregnancy with Olive was last year. (If you look at the very first entry to this blog, you will see that this ultrasound with Olive took place on August 13th, while this one is taking place on August 12th.) So, please pray for baby and for continued peace for us. Thank you!!

Here we are during our recent mini-vacation to Vegas. Check out the new belly!

Love Made the Difference

2008-04-29T23:25:00.002-07:00

Colby and I spoke last Sunday at our church about our experience with Olive as part of a series called, "Love Made the Difference". It was a very emotional and difficult subject to talk about publicly, but I think it's already proving to be very healing. For the first time, I'm able to be open with new friends about Olive without struggling to hold back tears. I guess I just got it all out at once! If you'd like to listen to the message, you can click on the links below. ...Plus, there's an extra-sweet announcement at the end!

iTunes
First open up iTunes and then click on this link http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=211831061

Message Download page (RSS Feed) at http://podcast.sanctuaryweb.us/xml.php?feed_id=479

An Update

2008-03-20T00:40:00.002-07:00

Thank you to everyone who has been thinking of us, praying for us and checking in on us. Colby and I are doing very well, considering all we've been through only four moths ago. I feel like a tornado has passed. The first stage was getting the diagnosis: seeing the tornado and knowing that it was coming right toward us. That stage was filled with dread, panic and despair, as well as a level of faith and hope we've never known before. The second stage was enduring the chaos: going into labor. The tornado was here. There's nothing we can do now, but experience it. Then we found ourselves in the eye of the tornado: everything stopped when we gazed upon our beautiful baby girl. Nothing mattered -nothing that we had been through or were about to go through in order to have this moment with her. And then the other side of the tornado hit us. Adrenaline levels have plummeted. We were left to pick up the peices and now find ourselves rebuilding our lives, knowing we'll never be the same.

Time heals, so they say, however the grief comes like waves: crashing down, subsiding, crashing down again. Thank God our hope is elseware: a place we can envision slightly clearer than before Olive because we know she's there.

Throughout all of this, I've felt like I've been walking around with a massive, gaping wound. Ironically, this has given me an immense sense of compassion and empathy for people I encounter, especially strangers bacause I'm aware that they have no idea what I've just been through and therefore I become accutely aware that I have no idea what they are going through, or have been through, or are even about to go through. When strangers are short with me I think, "If only you knew..." but then I'm forced to turn that around on myself.

As far as future children go... We are undergoing genetic counseling. Despite everything we were told about this being a random, fluke thing, we've gotten contrary opinions since getting Olive's autopsy results and figure the more we know, the better. Colby and I recently had ultrasounds to verify that we each had two, functioning kidneys, which we do. This was a relief because, if one of us did have something wrong with one of our kidneys, it would mean a 50% chance of something like this happening again with each of our future children. That whole kidney ultrasound experience was pretty emotional since we found ourselves in the same exact room with the same exact unltrasound tech as when we had our "routine" 20-week ultrasound, where we first learned something wasn't right. De ja vu, anyone?

We're definitely wanting more babies. I'm daunted by the thought of another nine months of pregnancy, considering I've been emotionally ready to hold my baby since last November. We are currenly not "trying," but are "alowing" for another baby. =) I am nervous when I envision our next "routine" ultrasound with our next pregnancy. I feel like my innocense has been stripped and I will never again enjoy the naivness that should accompany routine check-ups throughout a pregnancy. I'm reminded of Adam and Eve being suddenly ashamed at their nakedness, even though they'd been naked all along. Anyway, I'm confident that, because of our trust in Jesus and our relationship with Him, we will be just fine.

As for healing... Olive, as described by our pastor at her Celebration of Life, is our muse. She forced us to claw for truth more intently than ever before. I still believe in a God who heals, who wants to heal, who has already paid for our healing. While we'd be expected to drop this whole subject after Olive's death, on the contrary, we're stirred and can't shake this desire to see more of this side of God. I recently heard a quote by Jack Hayford, "If we pray for someone and they're not healed, the only thing it proves is that we haven't yet arrived."

A Beautiful Day

2007-12-15T14:37:00.002-08:00

Olive's celebration was perfect. It was a day of heavy tears, yet relentless hope, arduous questions, yet insistent worship, Olive-shaped holes, yet extraordinary testimonoes of changed lives. Colby and I were overwhelmed by all the people, many who traveled from out of state, to celebrate our girl's brief, but momentous life. The words spoken were beautiful and the songs sung were healing and full of worship.

Here are links to the slideshows that were shown today:

Olive's Slideshow by Adobe Vision
Olive's slideshow by Deb Wat or try this link

In closing, a letter to my girl:

My dear Olive,
How I’ve always dreamt of having my own little girl,
How I would have taught you so many things...

My dear Olive,
When life’s disappointments seem to contradict the goodness of God,
I would have taught you about FAITH.

My dear Olive,
When you would have to let go of someone you held close to your heart,
I would have taught you about HOPE.

My dear Olive,
When your soul would ache with a willingness to sacrifice everything you have,
I would have taught you about LOVE.

My dear Olive,
All these things I would have taught you, if only we were given more time.
All of these things I would have taught you, but instead you have taught me.

Until it is here, I will be dreaming of the day
when I will hold you in my arms again.

I love you,
Mommy

All in all, it was a beautiful day.

My Heart Will Follow

2007-12-14T21:49:00.002-08:00

I'm really excited about Olive's party tomorrow. I'm looking forward to celebrating the life, however short, Olive spent here with us. She was such a blessing and so worth honoring. I look back on her pictures every day. She was just so beautiful. I can't wait until the day when I get to see her again. I don't know much of what to expect in Heaven, but I do know she'll be there and that's enough to stir anticipation in me.

I still cry a little every day, but my tears have changed so much in the past three weeks. During the first few days, they were uncontrollable tears of devastation. As I gaze on her pictures now and watch and re-watch the video from after her birth, I cry mixed tears of joy and sorrow. I've discovered though, that my sadness is for myself, not her. I'm selfishly sad for my loss. Forgive the cliché, but I know where she is and have complete comfort in that.

I am still left with an inconsistency between two truths: God being good and my sweet angel dying. I don't have the answer that will make sense of why she wasn't healed. Colby reminded me that, that is where faith comes in. If we had all the answers, we would have no place for faith. So, tomorrow we will rejoice. We will praise God and will continue to praise God. We will say, "Up yours!" to Satan because he won nothing. Victory is God's. I will act on these truths and my heart will follow.

I Have No Regrets (by Colby)

2007-12-05T21:20:00.002-08:00

Does it need to be said that I wouldn't rather have my daughter in my arms today? Do I really need to convince myself of that? I have never in my life experienced such an explosion of polar opposite emotions all within just a few hours. I have never had faith that could move mountains followed so closely by doubt, to then be accompanied with peace, joy, tears and laughter. To experience such conflicting extremes has given rise to some amazing mysteries that reside in the God I have put so much trust in.

The mysteries...

Can you solve the mysteries of God? Can you discover everything about the Almighty?

Job 11: 7

He uncovers mysteries hidden in darkness; he brings light to the deepest gloom.

Job 12: 22

How can we find peace in questions, in mysteries not being solved... I don't have any idea, however we have. If there was any time to question the goodness of God, it would be now. I wish I could tell you all of the hopes that I had for my daughter Olive. The day I will never have of walking her down the aisle to her waiting and expecting husband, teaching her to ride a bike, letting her dress me up, paint my nails and put lipstick on me...

My sweet Olive never made a mistake, never had the chance to error. Never held hatred in her heart, never looked upon others with contempt, with envy nor became greedy, lusting after her own desire despite how it may affect others. She also never had the chance to brighten someone's day with a smile, to open the door for a stranger, to tell someone that she loved them.

She was in my best estimates as perfect as she could possibly be yet was never given the chance to live a life full of choices and opportunity which so many of us take for granted. I am humbled that despite her perceived perfection she was taken while I and everyone who hears this has a life full of choices and opportunity everyday.

We have life... What do we intend to do with it? I refuse to spend days here running in circles with unanswerable questions, holding grudges against a God that I will never fully comprehend or be angry toward those of us who are lucky enough to still be here. I will ask forgiveness to those I have hurt, and make every effort to mend anything I have broken. Most of all I intend on using my life to express my gratefulness to the God who has given life to me.

A Celebration of Life

2007-11-30T15:35:00.002-08:00

Here is the confirmed info for the service to honor the our sweet Olive. (Note the time change!) All are welcome. Please share this info with whomever may be interested in attending.

Saturday, December 15th
11:00 a.m.
Cornerstone Fellowship in Livermore

The celebration will be held in the chapel with a reception to follow in the courtyard.

Childcare will be available from 11:00 a.m. to 1:00. Just send an email to Renee Travers at reneet@cornerstoneweb.org to RSVP, including your name, your childrens names and ages.

CLICK HERE for directions.

Also, please see our request for donations in lieu of flowers in the 11/26 post below. Thank you!!

Grrrr.....

2007-11-29T20:58:00.002-08:00

Sorry about the obnoxious icons that have replaced all of our pictures. I believe that I may have had too many hits on my blog this month (320 just today!). I'm hoping that the problem will be fixed by Saturday, since that is the first of December.

Who Did Olive Most Look Like?

2007-11-28T23:01:00.002-08:00

Her Daddy...

Her Mama...

Or her Big Brother?

A Celebration of Olive's Life

2007-11-28T22:08:00.002-08:00

We have tentative plans to hold a Celebration of Life to honor our little Olive on Saturday, December 15th, at

~~noon~~ (changed to 11:00 a.m.), in the Cornerstone chapel in Livermore. We would love to give people time to briefly share how Olive's short, but significant life has touched theirs, so if you're interested in speaking, please let me know. Thank you!

Let the Healing Begin

2007-11-28T21:09:00.002-08:00

Today was a good day. Colby and I felt more like ourselves than we have in what feels like a lot longer than just a few days.

Last night Colby and I sat in our car in our driveway crying and holding each other. We talked about the longing we felt to be in Heaven just to see our little girl again. He told me about his dream of proudly walking his daughter down the aisle on her wedding day. We didn't have to try hard to articulate the pain we each felt because we knew the other understood. We looked behind us at the beautiful baby boy asleep in his car seat with renewed adoration. Colby carried Reid inside and, while he fed him his bed time bottle, we looked through the photos from his day of birth, experiencing the joy from that day all over again. I so look forward to another happy birth day.

As we lied in bed, we prayed. We poured out all of our confusion and sadness and it felt good. I cried myself to sleep again, but it wasn't the uncontrollable kind any more. I fell asleep on my husband's shoulder, feeling closer to him than ever before.

(Music by Brian & Jenn Johnson)

The Inevitable Questions

2007-11-26T23:36:00.002-08:00

Although the last couple nights' sleep have been preceded and followed by uncontrollable crying, I am sleeping through the night. My puffy eyes and red nose are reminiscent of the days that followed the moment we received Olive's prognosis in August. I'm reliving those days, finding that I'm always either crying, trying to stop crying, or trying not to start again.

I stared at Olive's little face for hours after she passed -so long that I'm afraid I've forgotten what she looked like during the hour she lived. I stare towards the ceiling in the dark trying to remember. As I strain to force her image back into my memory, my heart begins to physically ache with the desire to hold her just one more time. The one hour we had with her was so fleeting that I'm terrified of the memory fading. Colby held me while I wept and talked me through specific memories, like when she tilted her head back to look at me and the warmth of the blanket the nurses covered her with after placing her on my belly. I miss my daughter so much.

All the sermons I've heard before about feeling abandoned by God always seemed to be directed towards other people. Never, before now, have I felt so far from God that He can't hear me. I'm angry and I'm confused. I'm ashamed too, because I had a vision of how I would come out of this if she didn't live, and this wasn't it. I can't approach God right now. I feel like all I can do right now is experience the pain and let it run its course. Why didn't God heal her??????????? I have to re-ask myself the question: Is it God's will to heal all? I still believe so. So what went wrong? I don't know. I do know that it wasn't God's will for my little girl to die. Anyone could have looked at this lifeless baby and known that it just wasn't right. My loving God would not cause this to build my character, to bring me closer to Him, to bring me closer to my husband, etc., although He will probably use the situation to do all of those things and more. What else do I know...? God is good and He loves me. I'm back to the mere basic truths and I'm hanging on those.

Kim told me not to be ashamed, reminding me that I haven't yet "come out of this," that I'm still in the midst of it. That gives me hope.

In Lieu of Flowers...

2007-11-26T00:51:00.002-08:00

...we are asking for donations in Olive's honor to be sent to any of the following non-profit organizations:

The Livermore Pregnancy Resource Center

The LPRC is a local organization that provides practical services relating to a pregnancy, child bearing, or relationships. Tina Harrell, a friend of ours and the founder of the LPRC, has been of great emotional and spiritual support to us throughout this journey. Colby's mom also serves on the LPRC's Board of Directors.

For information regarding donationating to the LPRC, CLICK HERE.

Thank you so much, Tina, for experiencing everything right beside us. Love you!

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

NILMDTS is an organization of volunteer photographers who donate their time, talent and services to provide remembrance photography to families in situations like ours. The NILMDTS foundation is there for parents and families to help aid them in their healing, bring hope to their future, and honor to their child.

For information regarding donationaring to the NILMDTS Foundation, CLICK HERE.

Deb, thank you so much for dropping everything to be there for us. Your photos will be so treasured by us until we can hold our little girl again in Heaven.

Carolina Perinatal Support Network

The CPSN provides a bridge of support for families experiencing an adverse perinatal diagnosis. Through practical guidance, education, and compassionate support, they help to relieve the emotional suffering while preserving the dignity and integrity of the family as they make meaningful plans to honor the life of their baby.

You can donate to the CPSN by sending a *check to:

Attn: Tammy Tate
Carolina Perinatal Support Network
P.O. Box 5673
Greenville, SC 29606

* You may include a note that your donation is in honor of Olive Jacqueline Waltenburg. Be sure to include your mailing address and you will be mailed a tax deductible receipt.

Tammy, thank you for all of the phone calls, emails and especially for the sweet gift you sent for Olive! You're guidance and support have been so helpful and practical throughout this experience.

We are planning on holding a Celebration of Life in the near future to honor our little girl and will post details on our blog as soon as we have them. Thank you so much to all of our family and friends who have and continue to take such good care of us through this experience. We feel so loved. =)

Olive's Big Debut

2007-11-25T16:14:00.002-08:00

My plans for today were as follows:

Rewash the clothes that I left sitting in the washer too long

Pack our hospital bag (for real this time)

Post pictures on my blog of clothes, blankets, booties, and other gifts friends and I had gotten for Olive

The way the day really went:

Meet Olive Jacqueline Waltenburg
Born November 25, 2007 at 11:38 a.m. (6 weeks early)
4 pounds, 0.4 ounces, 16 3/4 inches long

Olive stayed with us for one fleeting, but joyful hour. The room was filled with family and friends, all of whom would agree to what a sweet, beautiful and perfect baby she was. We can't begin to explain how her life has affected us. We can't begin to address all of the questions we have. All we know is she was worth it. The one hour we got with her was worth the 34 weeks I carried her in my belly, every ache and pain, every labor contraction, every grieving moment we have and will spend letting her go. We miss her so much, words could never describe. We know she's with Jesus and have never before longed to be there in Heaven the way we do now.

CLICK HERE to read our birth story.

To see a short video clip taken moments after birth, login to YOUTUBE with the user name 'waltenburgguest' and the password, 'olive.' Then CLICK HERE. You will get to hear Olive take her first gasps at air as she lets out a few cries and you'll even get to see her open her eyes for the very first time.

The Nitty-Gritty

2007-11-20T11:55:00.002-08:00

Colby, Reid and I just returned from a visit with his dad and step-mom. His dad's response to God's pursuit of him is so pure, sincere, and just what I believe the Lord is looking for from him. Very cool. They had a testimony on c.d. from some friends about a woman's experience with her baby, who had such a grim prognosis that she was urged by multiple doctors to terminate. In a nutshell, she was originally angry with God, fought for her baby on her own, eventually came back to God, found that peace that transcends all understanding, asked for His healing, but accepted whatever happened as His will. Later on, an ultrasound showed miraculous improvement. Baby was born needing a series of surgeries, but lives as far as we know. After we listened to the entire story, they asked what we thought of it.

I was honestly kind of hesitant to get them involved in nitty-gritty stuff that may not be for new believers, but found that as I explained myself, my new understanding of God and His will to heal is actually very simple (and solid). I explained that I didn't agree with a couple remarks she made about how she felt God was up there saying, "See... I almost had to kill your baby to get your attention." I explained that, that is not consistent with the character of the God. Jesus is described as The Light, The Life, Our Healer... I absolutely disagree that God is holding my baby over my head saying, "Now, Kristen. I noticed you weren't reading your bible or spending quiet time with me every day, so I had to do this to get your attention!" We live under a new covenant. Jesus already atoned for all of our sin. It is finished.

We explained that this is all new to us, that we're even venturing outside our home church's doctrine by declaring healing. We explained that Jesus "healed them all." That we believe it's His will to heal all still, and that includes Olive, as He is the "one who changes not." We told them about the scripture in Isaiah (65:20) that speaks of the New Heavens and a New Earth, "Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years..." I told them we were taking this scripture and praying the Lord's prayer for His will to be done one Earth as it is in Heaven.

We told them that, just as we receive our salvation by believing, we receive His promise of healing based on believing, and that is why we are already thanking Him.

Mark 11:24
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

1 John 5:14-15
"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us -whatever we ask- we know that we have what we asked of him."

I'm not talking about the "name it and claim it" movement that I heard was preached against at last Sunday's service. I'm talking about a promise. I'm talking about a good God.

I still think about the stories people have shared with me about the people they know who believed in healing for themselves and when they weren't healed, family and friends walked away from the Lord. This did invoke fear in me at the time, but I've chosen not to lower the standard of the bible to their experience or to my fear. Even if Olive is not healed, I will not lower the standard of the bible to my experience. I know it is not God's will for my baby to die, just as it is not God's will for any of us to go to hell.

Colby's dad and step-mom also asked about our plan with medical care. We assured them that we are not neglecting our baby of any necessary medical care. The specialist we were seeing had told us multiple times that there is nothing we can do to save our baby and gave us the option to see our regular practitioner and continue regular prenatal care as if this was a normal, healthy pregnancy, since I am not at any risk. We opted to do that because I don't need to hear once or twice a month from the doctor that my baby is going to die, and besides, going back to our regular practitioner saves us an hour long drive. =)

They understood all this stuff and were not overwhelmed, thank God. They are praying for us and stand beside us regardless of the outcome.

I Just... I Don't Know... (posted by Colby)

2007-11-16T22:03:00.002-08:00

The following has nothing to do with my sweet Olive, but at the same time she has had everything to do with the following:

Since deciding to fight for peace and faith, to not be satisfied with status quo, to remember that my God wants my obedience more than my sacrifice, I have had a week or so of simply thanking God. I believe I spend more time now singing to him than ever before, more time thanking Him and recognizing His goodness. In the simple act of thanking Him, I am realizing that He is greater than any thoughts, words or phrases I could come up with to describe Him. Even my wildest imaginations don't do Him justice. Any of my attempts to describe Him usually end up with the phrase, "Man... I just... I don't know."

The God I serve loves the unlovable, does the unthinkable, and breaks the unbreakable, and is calling me to do the same. I have come from a place of helplessness to begging, begging to believing, believing to declaring and finally, what seems to be some kind of happy submission, acted out in trusting obedience. I wish I could write that this is all perfected in me and that I fully understand where this is going but it's not and I don't. It is however, new and I believe it will be perfected and understood, and that is a beautiful thing.

There have been moments, extended and some fleeting, where I see no impossibilities and I desire to rest and stay in those moments. Despite my situation, despite my thoughts of "reality" or perception of "reality" I desire to live and reside in His. I will sit in His hand and nothing can take me from it.

Thank God for Waterproof Make-up (This Means War!)

2007-11-07T23:11:00.002-08:00

I can look my best and yet, still be prepared for any unexpected breakdowns! I feel like I've been in survival mode these past few days. I've felt incredibly irritable. My patience has run thin with Reid. I count down the hours and minutes until his next nap time or until Colby gets home. I wake up feeling like I just can't handle the day ahead of me. I thought that maybe the length of this trial we are going through is just getting to be too long. I think to myself that I still have two months to go and yet, I'm not even sure I can just do today. (Being hormonal hasn't seemed to help much either!) Please pray for me to have patience -and energy and motivation to leave the house, too, which also seem to be running dry lately.

In the midst of this, there's the thought that flees through my head, "You're an awful mom. If you can't handle this, then you don't deserve the other baby." I've been dismissing this thought as a natural human thought that I choose not to entertain. But when I told Colby about it, he said there's nothing natural or human about that. He told me we are at war, that he and I are right in the thick of it, and when I have these thoughts I can't just shrug them off. Obviously they don't go away, they just linger in the back of my mind, which probably does more damage than when they're at the surface. He said I need to pray against them immediately and remind myself of what I'm entitled to as a child of God: peace, hope, joy, faith...

Another thing that's been eating at me is the thought that most of the people following our story, watching it unfold, are hopeful, but unbelieving. True or not, this also lingers with me, eating at me when I'm not even aware of it. This whole question of healing and God's will for everyone is is huge. It divides churches and is something that I would have dismissed as unanswerable a long time ago if it were I needing the healing. But it's our baby. We are approaching this head on because we have to fight for our baby. Why were friends and relatives of people we know, who follow Christ and believed in their own healing, not healed? I don't know. What makes my baby any different? I don't know. Colby reminds me that it's not our responsibility to convince anyone. It is our responsibility to believe that God is going to heal our child, to continue to worship Him, to be grateful to Him, to be constantly reminded of His promises, to remember we serve a good God.

I downloaded Bill Johnson's sermon, "What Part of Finished Don't You Understand," from Bethel church's website, http://www.ibethel.org/. Towards the end of it, he talked about declaring something so outrageous (not in an imaginary way) that God has to show up. I cried out to God tonight, telling Him that He's just got to show up for this.

Fighting Against Fear (by Colby)

2007-11-03T17:41:00.002-07:00

My fear is clever. It occurs to me as I write this that it may be a living thing just like I am; it may have a heart, a soul and a body. Its food is my attention, its breath is my affection, and it wants nothing more than my companionship. I thought it to be lonely at first, maybe that is why I let it be such a close and guarded part of my life, but the more I walk away from it, the more I see so many have shared and continue to share their lives with it.

It tells me that I can't live without it. It tells me of greater fear that awaits me if I abandon it... It whispers, "If you leave me, one greater than I will take my place... You can live with me. I'm really not that bad, I won't ask anything from you -just a small corner, deep within your heart. I'm not intrusive and I will only speak up when you are afraid, and I do so only for your best interest, to keep you safe from being hurt, to keep you from feeling disappointment."

Even after great revelation, even after fear is exposed, it tries and tries to convince me that just a little fear is healthy. It whispers on, "Even God says to Fear. Fear keeps you safe and humble. You cannot live on the mountain top. You must come back to the ‘real world..." Reality...what it that anyway? Can I live on the mountain top? Can we bring the mountain top to sea level? When the feelings leave and the emotions begin to fade, must we fight for them? Or do we trust them to be imparted in us...to be brought to us when needed?

A friend of mine told me about seeds... To get the tree and the fruit, you must first take that precious, valuable seed and bury it. Water and sunlight do the rest and what results from it is the product of that planting.

Have we experienced a planting in our hearts, a seed of revelation, which has now been buried, taking up residence where fear once occupied, and from it will grow a tree with fruit in plenty?

Fight or rest... Cling or let go... Run or walk... All options are open and a case can be made for each, but what to do or not do? Confusion is fears playground; I can see it swing with joy when I go rounds in my mind with questions that have no answers. I do not wish to be confused, but questions and scenarios which demand answers will not stop and those lead me to confusion.

This confusion again has one solution... Jesus.

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you."

-1 Peter 5:7

I looked up "Silent, God" in an on-line Bible concordance, trying to find a verse that said something to the effect of, "Sit silent before God," but found the following instead:

"O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent."

-Psalm 22:2

"That my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."

-Psalm 30:12

I searched many other passages and found nothing to suggest sitting silent was a reasonable action, but instead found verses which lead me to believe what I am holding onto, this revelation, is something that I should fight for. That I should call out to God and claim victory, cry out to Him without hesitation and contend with my enemies for what is rightfully mine, as a child of God.

Fear being my greatest enemy I believe the following:

"He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
He drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
From my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
But the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place;
He rescued me because he delighted in me."
-2 Sa 22:17-20

I will fight for Faith and Peace.

The Evidence of the Miracles

2007-11-02T15:10:00.002-07:00

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things."
-Ecclesiastes 11:5

Doctors say that development of the kidneys should be detectable by the fifth (gestational) week of pregnancy, and if they haven't begun to develop by then, then they are not going to.

Fortunately, God is not bound by our understanding of His creation! My friend, Kim sent me these stories of families who faced the same thing we are. She sent them back when we first received the Potter's Syndrome diagnosis. At the time, I was in a place where I was afraid to hope, much less believe God would heal my baby. I reread them today with new eyes and am filled with exhilaration and encouragement. (Yay!!!! I'm not crazy!!!)

Miracle of Faith
Power of Prayer: Amelia White

"Stop trusting in man, who has but a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is he?"
-Isaiah 2:22

Colby and I have opted to return to our regular practitioner for our remaining prenatal care appointments, so, as of now, I will no longer be seeing the specialist every month, nor getting any future ultrasounds in hopes to keep our faith in God for healing, rather than looking for tangible results to hope in.

"Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves. I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it."
-Jesus, in John 14:11-14

"I will not venture to speak of anything except what Christ has accomplished through me in leading the Gentiles to obey God by what I have said and done- by the power of signs and miracles, through the power of the Spirit."
-Paul, in Romans 15:18-19a

The Significance of Olive

2007-11-02T08:56:00.002-07:00

Since I announced Olive's name on this blog, people have been pointing out to me special significances in the name:

O-live.

The Mount of Olives is the last place Jesus touched.

The olive branch, often seen held in the mouth of a dove, is a symbol of peace, originating from the story of Noah and the Flood.

Pretty cool, considering I chose the name before any of this ever happened because I thought it was cute. =)

The Traditions of Men

2007-11-01T21:35:00.002-07:00

The accounts people have recently shared with me of people close to them who had faith in healing, but still died or continued to suffer have been lingering with me over the past week, keeping me up some nights. Why are some not healed??? In my search for answers, I skipped ahead in F. F. Bosworth's book, "Christ the Healer," to chapter 13, entitled "Why Some Fail to Receive Healing from Christ." Bosworth lists 22 reasons for failure to receive healing:

Insufficient Instruction

Lack of United Prayer

Community Unbelief

The Traditions of Men

Breaking Natural Laws

Unbelief of Elder or Minister Who Prays

An Evil Spirit Must Be Cast Out

The Sick Person's Sin

Lukewarmness of the Church

Unwillingness to Surrender to God

An Unforgiving Spirit

A Need to Seek Forgiveness

Lack of Diligence

Seeking Miracles, Not Healing

Watching Symptoms

Failure to Act on Faith

Lack of Confidence

Not Receiving the Holy Spirit

Lack of Faith

Failure to Receive God's Promises

Waiting for Healing to Believe

Focus on Improvement, Not on God's Promises

Since I'm not about to try to rewrite what's already so well written, below is an excerpt from section four, "The Traditions of Men."

"The healing part of the Gospel is hindered and even made void by the traditions of men. Jesus said to the Jewish teachers of His day, ‘Why do ye also transgress the commandments of God by your tradition?' In our day most preachers have done worse. They have made void a part of the Gospel by their traditions.

One tradition is that God is the author of disease and that He wills the sickness of some of His worshipers. It is a mystery to me how anyone can hold this view in the face of the Scriptures and the ministry of Christ. For three years Jesus healed all that were oppressed by the devil, or at least all that came to Him for healing.

If sickness is the will of God for His worshipers, then every physician is a lawbreaker, every trained nurse is defying the Almighty, and every hospital is a house of rebellion instead of a house of mercy. If God wants one to stay sick, it is a sin for that one even to want to be well, because we are to love the will of God, whatever that may be.

Another tradition that is responsible for thousands dying a premature death after years of physical agony is the teaching that we can glorify God more by remaining sick and exhibiting patience than we can by being divinely healed. An honest but unenlightened minister will often kneel at the bedside of one suffering with arthritis or cancer or some other dangerous disease. He prays, ‘Lord, since in Thy loving providence Thou hast seen fit to lay Thine afflicting hand upon our dear sister, give her fortitude and patience to bear this affliction.' He does this instead of obeying the plain commandment to anoint ‘any sick' in the Church and to pray ‘the prayer of faith' for their healing (James 5:14-15). John Wesley says this method was the only process of healing in the Church until it was lost through unbelief.

Many are taught that one can glorify God more by remaining sick than by being healed. If this is true, then Jesus did not hesitate to rob His Father of all the glory He possibly could. He healed everyone that appealed to Him for help during His entire earthly ministry. His successor, the Holy Spirit, was sent down to augment what Christ had begun to do and to teach. He did not hesitate to rob God of all the glory He could by healing everyone in the streets of Jerusalum (Acts 5:15-16). Paul did not hesitate to rob God of all the glory he could by healing all the other sick on the island of Melita.

The most common and threadbare tradition is the worn out statement, ‘The age of miracles has passed.' Of all the present-day traditions of the elders or ministers, this is the most foolish, illogical, and unscriptural of any that I know. The Holy Spirit, in whose age we are now living, is God's only Miracle-Worker, the only administrator of the Father's will. He is the One who healed all the sick multitudes who came to Christ for healing during the days of His flesh. All the miracles ever wrought until the day of Pentecost were accomplished by the Spirit, the Miracle-Worker. This was before He had entered officially into His own dispensation...

...Another tradition is that it is not God's will to heal all. In previous chapters we have answered this objection from every conceivable angle. If it is God's will to heal only some of those who need healing, then none have any basis for faith, until they shall have received a special revelation that they are among the favored ones. If God's promises to heal are not for all, then no man can ascertain the will of God for himself from the Bible. Are we to understand from such teachers that we must close our Bibles and get our revelation directly from the Spirit before we can pray for the sick? Cannot the will of God in this matter be ascertained from the Scriptures? This would be virtually to teach that the whole of the divine activity on the line of healing would have to be governed by direct revelations from the Spirit instead of by the Scriptures.

Still others are hindered from receiving healing by being taught to add to their prayer for healing the faith-destroying, ‘If it be Thy will.' There is only one case given in the New Testament of one asking for healing in this way. That is the case of the leper, who said, ‘If thou wilt, thou canst make me whole.' This man could not have prayed otherwise because he was not yet informed as the will of God in the matter. Jesus did not heal this leper until He had added to his faith the fact that Jesus could heal him, then the faith that Jesus would heal him. The ‘I will' of Jesus canceled the ‘If' of the leper. It is impossible for one ever to pray with faith until the ‘If' has been removed from his prayer. To have real faith is to be ‘fully persuaded' that God will do what He has promised to do. No one is ever ‘fully persuaded' when he adds to his prayer, ‘If it be Thy will.' Since God has revealed His will in the matter by His promises, for us to say, ‘If it be Thy will,' when praying for healing is the same as to say, ‘If it be Thy will to keep Thy promise.'

Another tradition that has hindered the ministry of healing is the teaching that Jesus healed the sick as the Son of God, not as the Son of Man. Such teachers believe that as we are not Christ, we cannot expect such works today. The Scriptures teach us that Jesus, the Son of God, emptied Himself and became like unto His brethren in all things, except as to sin. He speaks of Himself as ‘The Son of man' about eighty times. As the Son of Man He said, ‘I can of mine own self do nothing.' This certainly was not true of Him before He became the Son of Man. All things were made by Him and for Him. We have already seen that Jesus did His works in reliance on the Spirit. He ‘began both to do and teach, until the day He was taken up,' what He Himself promised in John 14:12. These things He would continue and augment in answer to the prayers of the Church when He was glorified. The very words here quoted from Acts 1:1, ‘Jesus began both to do and teach,' prove that what the Lord ‘began' both in doing and teaching was to be continued by the Holy Spirit operating through the Church."

I had most of these same misconceptions before Olive. She's already taught me so much about God and faith. She's given me a kind of boldness and confidence to walk with Jesus in a direction that is against the stream, that I can't imagine who or what else could have prompted.

(Music by Brian & Jenn Johnson)

I Believe

2007-10-31T21:07:00.002-07:00

Some days, such as today, I am plagued with doubt. Friends' accounts (which were probably intended to protect and prepare me for what may come), of their faithful loved ones who were not healed replayed in my head as I lied in bed at four o'clock this morning. My reasons for believing God would heal the baby kicking and hiccupping from in my belly became more and more distant, as they were replaced with the notion that I only came to believe because I wanted so badly to. I lied in the dark, imagining how, even though Olive seems so big in my belly, she would seem so tiny in my arms. I couldn't bear the thought of her little body going lifeless as I held her.

When Jesus spent forty days in the desert, He answered each of Satan's temptations with, "It is written..." I had to get back to His Word to be reminded of how I came to believe Olive would be healed...

We have a good god who wants to give us good gifts.

"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" -Jesus, Matthew 7:9-11

He is our healer.

Jehovah Rapha, one of God's seven redemptive names that reveal to man what our redemption includes, translates as "I am the Lord that healeth thee," or, "I am the Lord thy Physician."

He is willing!

"A man with leprosy came and knelt before him (Jesus) and said, ‘Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.' Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. ‘I am willing,' he said. ‘Be clean!' Immediately he was cured of his leprosy." -Matthew 8:2-3

He healed them all when he walked here, on earth. He's already paid for it.

"When evening came, many who were demon‑possessed were brought to him, and he drove out the spirits with a word and healed all the sick. This was to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet Isaiah: ‘He took up our infirmities and carried our diseases.'

Jesus is no less a savior and healer since His resurrection -He is greater and I am more united to Jesus now through His Holy Spirit than I could have been during His earthly ministry.

"But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you." -Jesus, John 14:26
"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." -Jesus, Mathew 28:20

I need to believe to receive his gift of healing, just as with His gift of salvation.

"When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. ‘Lord,' he said, ‘my servant lies at home paralyzed and in terrible suffering.' Jesus said to him, ‘I will go and heal him.' The centurion replied, ‘Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, ‘Go,' and he goes; and that one, ‘Come,' and he comes. I say to my servant, ‘Do this,' and he does it." When Jesus heard this, he was astonished and said to those following him, "I tell you the truth, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth." Then Jesus said to the centurion, ‘Go! It will be done just as you believed it would.' And his servant was healed at that very hour." -Matthew 8:5-13

I can believe that God's promise to heal my baby is fulfilled and already begin praising and thanking Him.

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." -Jesus, Mark 11:24

"Father, I thank you that you have heard me." -Jesus, John 11:41 (after praying for Lazarus to rise after four days in the grave, but before He saw Lazarus come forth from the grave)

As F.F. Bosworth wrote in his book, "Christ the Healer," "Faith is when God's word alone is our reason for believing that our prayer is answered, before we see or feel."

I believe.

Habakkuk 2:3

2007-10-29T17:26:00.002-07:00

For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end
and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
It will certainly come and will not delay.

“I’m a Sinner, Son” (From Colby...)

2007-10-29T09:07:00.002-07:00

Our unborn child has brought my wife and me closer to God than we ever have been or thought possible. I have also heard about and know first hand of others who have been affected so personally that it has forever changed their lives as well. One of those changed forever is my dad and his wife, Julie.

Eight years ago I stood in the kitchen of my house, crying out to God, begging him to forgive me and asking him what I need to do to be closer to him. The simple reply was, "Let go of you anger towards your dad and love him." I told God that I didn't love him and couldn't pretend to. He assured me that if I made the effort, He would take care of the rest, including my dad's salvation.

I realized now that the "anger" I had was one that was keeping God from addressing other areas in my life that needed to be repaired, so I could be closer to him. I also realize now that I didn't hate my dad, I was protecting myself from the possible pain or disappointment I may experience if my love wasn't reciprocated the way I believed it should be. Fear, fear of being hurt, embarrassed, and rejected, was telling me that this anger was legitimate and necessary for my protection.

I chose to trust God. Although I must admit, it was a bit awkward for me at first, God's promise was always there to strengthen and assure me. Through the past 8 years, I have grown closer to my dad than I ever thought possible. The love I have for him is like no other love I have experienced. It started as a chosen love and has developed into an "I can't help it" love and I am ever grateful to God for this.

On the 11^th of this month, on my way home from work, I got a phone call from my dad, asking how Kristen and I were holding up. I told him something to the effect of "some days are better than others, but we are doing okay". After a bit more conversation, he told me that he had something to tell me that may sound weird. He told me he was, "thinking about getting religious." He went on further to explain that he felt that he had something missing in his life. My thoughts instantly drew me eight years back. There I was, standing in the kitchen looking down at the yellow formica and saying, "Okay God, I will do this for you, but you promise?" Back in my truck, I began to cry tears of joy and gratefulness, as my dad continued telling me that he felt something drawing him and he wanted to figure out what it was.

We talked for another 20 minutes or so and he asked me questions about church and baptism. I did my best to answer him, but could barley speak but to tell him how much I loved him. He's since emailed to tell Kristen that he watched "The Greatest Story Ever Told" and commented how "it drew his interest right away, which it never has before."

We spoke again earlier this week and Dad told me that he and Julie prayed together for the first time. He told me he prayed for the firefighters (in Southern California ), Kristen and me, and Ralph (my step brother) and his family. "That's great," I told him. Then with kind of a chuckle, he told me "I'm a sinner, Son". I replied, "Welcome to the club, Dad. I love you."

My son, my son, why are you striving,
You can't add one thing to what's been done for you.
I did it all while I was dying,
Rest in your faith my peace will come to you.

My child, my child why are you weeping,
You will not have to wait forever.
That day and that hour is in my keeping,
The day I'll bring you into heaven.

-Keith Green "When I Hear the Praises Start"

Sonograms

2007-10-24T13:05:00.002-07:00

10/19/07: 29-Week 3D Sonogram of face with foot and/or hand to mouth
(The ultrasound tech also predicted a girl, pointing out the three lines that they look for to make that indication!)

8/13/07: 19-Week Sonogram of face (left) and baby curled up (right)

6/11/07: 10-Week Sonogram

O-live!

2007-10-24T09:51:00.002-07:00

Colby and I feel like months have passed since our visit to Bethel church because so much has changed. It's as if we're receiving new revelation every day. We've never felt so close to God and as tragic as a situation like ours would normally be, we've never felt better.

We are no longer waiting to go to Heaven, but now understand that, as ambassadors of Heaven, we are to bring Heaven here on Earth. To do this, we are to, not only make ourselves available as channels or vessels for God to work through, but we have to keep those vessels clear, enabling God to work through us.

In the beginning of this journey, I believed God could heal my baby. If He would tell me personally or show me some evidence that He was in the process of doing that (like a sign of a kidney in development via ultrasound), then I just might believe that he would. However, just like in receiving salvation, I have to believe (based on scripture) that He would do it in order to receive it. Faith comes before receiving. My lack of faith was blocking me, as a vessel, for God to work through. I wonder how many other works of God could have been performed through me that my lack of faith has hindered.

I know I sound crazy. Sometimes I wonder if I am. When I do, I just remind myself that the way I came to this conclusion is the same way that I came to believe in my salvation: by trust in God's word. So if I doubt God's word, then I doubt His credibility as a good God. And if I'm just plain delusional, then I'm delusional about the Bible being the true word of God, I'm delusional about my salvation, and my entire relationship with Jesus has all been a figment of my imagination.

I also can't help but wonder what if I've somehow misinterpreted things somewhere along the way or got in the way of God's work or something, and perhaps the Bible, my salvation and my relationship with God are real, but regardless, my baby will not be healed after all? Of course I'll be devastated at the death of my baby, but I have a sweet son named Reid, a great husband, and an even greater God. I'll get through it. Of course, I'll be incredibly confused about my theology of how I came to believe God would heal my baby, but I've been wrong about things before and God has set me straight. I'll get through that too. What I am concerned with the most is how others' walk of faith would be affected and how I had misrepresented God. I realized in talking with Colby about it last night though, that this concern shows that I am focused on others and on God being glorified. Not such a bad thing to be! Besides, God is bigger than any mistake I can make. For now, I am just excited to have this baby! I'm amazed at that, considering that before, any thought of the day of birth was accompanied by the deepest sense of dread.

By the way, if the ultrasounds are accurate that this is a girl, her name is Olive.

He's a Good God and He's in a Good Mood!

2007-10-19T15:18:00.002-07:00

We believe God is going to heal our baby. There. I've said it.... Or at least typed it... to the world!

We have taken steps to get to the point we are at...each step requiring more faith than the next, and God giving faith as we've pressed into Him and sought Him.

Step One: We experienced a peace that transcends all understanding by letting go of our child, giving our child into the hands and will of God. (We understood that God could heal our baby, but didn't believe He promised us personally that He would.)

Step Two: We realized that holding onto hope did not mean letting go of peace, so we allowed ourselves to hope for miraculous healing.

Step Three: We began to understand, based on scripture and Jesus' example, that God's will is to not only heal our spirits, but our bodies, too.

Step Four: Through scripture, we've begun to understand that it is God's will to heal our child.

Step Five: We believe that God will heal our child.

If you're wondering how we got to and through steps three, four and five or if you're just wondering how to pray for us or yourself or someone else you know who needs healing, then please read "When Heaven Invades Earth" by Bill Johnson, the pastor of Bethel church and at least chapter five of "Christ the Healer" by F. F. Bosworth. Otherwise, I would just be trying to rewrite here what they've already written in their books. Here, I'll even give you links to where you can buy them!

When Heaven Invades Earth

Christ the Healer

We can't wonder "What if God doesn't come through..." We can only understand that this is one of God's promises and believe that He is going to keep it. As Chris told us in his New Zealand (?) accent, "He's a good God and He's in a good mood!"

From Colby...

2007-10-19T15:09:00.002-07:00

FOOL-ISH - (Adj.) 1: Resulting from or showing a lack of sense.

As I look at the situation that my wife and I confront, I see the "reality" of us losing our child and there is nothing we, nor the medical profession, can do to prevent such a tragedy.

I have been afraid my entire life of looking foolish. That is not to say I have never looked foolish before, but most things I have done, which may be considered foolish were done on my terms, under careful observation, appearing whimsical and dangerous, yet I had most of it under control.

During this situation I have had a lot of time to evaluate myself and I have spent quite a bit of time over the last few years asking God to expose areas in my life which keep me from Him. These areas I have found to be my most treasured areas... areas with huge walls, canons, motes, archers at the ready to fight off any oncoming foe, even if that foe be God. But what is this treasure I seem to hold so tightly? It has been Fear. But why do I value it so highly? Holding onto fear is a crippling and debilitating thing which provides nothing for the one holding onto it. I have not only held onto fear, but I have protected it, built these walls to surround it, and give it comfort and time to root in my soul.

It's time the walls came down. No longer will I let fear keep me from the foolish.

After all, I've been believing in and trusted in many "foolish" concepts, just like many who may be reading this: God, the virgin birth, God becoming man, the resurrection of Jesus, being saved by grace...

What is so strange about believing God will heal my child? Why would I be afraid of looking foolish? What control do I have in any of this other than my belief? I am not going to let the fear of being wrong or foolish keep me from stepping into the unknown and unproven. Who will step with me?

P.S.

2007-10-16T17:37:00.002-07:00

To everyone reading our blog and sharing in our experience, thank you!

Thank you for caring about us, whether we know you personally or not! Thank you for praying for us and lifting us up! We would love to hear from each of you. Please sign our guestbook, using the link below or the link in the sidebar to the right. And please don't hesitate to leave comments with the links under the blog entries, as you feel like it.

If anyone stumbles upon this blog who is experiencing something similar, check out this website and get in touch with Tammy, who has provided us with priceless & practical support throughout this journey. Thank you for everything, Tammy!! http://www.perinatalsupport.com/

Love,

Colby & Kristen

Our 28-Week Ultrasound

2007-10-16T16:50:00.002-07:00

No new news...

The doc gave us further evidence of no kidneys. It wasn't as difficult to hear as it was during last month's ultrasound. Not because we've accepted it, but probably because we haven't. We are still praying God's will (Isaiah 65:20) on Earth (specifically, in my womb!) as it is in Heaven.

Despite the direct view our baby offered during the ultrasound, we were still unable to decipher boy or girl parts. With no amniotic fluid to show up as a black contrast, the doc could only guess at Baby's gender. His guess was based on a process of elimination (which is normally not their basis for determining this stuff); because he couldn't see boy parts, he guessed that it is a girl. That's what I thought all along, which means nothing because I thought Reid was a girl too!

We proceeded to make arrangements with the hospital for the baby's body. It was interesting... While the doc answered my list of questions, I found myself wondering if I was going along with this show, just as I felt like when I was in the Bethel Church healing room last week before we confronted Chris, with all of our questions.

Chris told us not to couple with fear, regardless of the doctor's report that we would receive today.

...On Earth as it is in Heaven

2007-10-16T00:26:00.002-07:00

Colby and I have found ourselves in a tug-of-war over the last couple months between two schools of thought; one, having peace in letting go and the other, having an expectation for healing. With the first perspective, we loved the peace, but didn't want to give up on our child. With the other, we loved the faith in God's power and goodness, but feared the possibilities of humiliation and further disappointment.

Last weekend we drove three hours to visit Bethel church in Redding, based on a recommendation from a couple of friends. The church is known for their faith in healings, and we figured we had nothing to lose by checking it out. While there, we went to a healing service and to their regular church service. We met a guy named Chris at the healing service who, as well as a few others, prayed for healing for our baby. We noticed the difference in the way they prayed: with joy, rather than sadness, with expectation rather than hope, with single words at times, rather than sentences (i.e. "life," "wholeness," "completion," "kidneys"). He also made it a point to pray against fear, reminding us that fear has no place with us.

During the time we were being prayed for, I felt like I was just going along with the show, not fully buying into everything he explained to us. We left the room and I told Colby that it still wasn't all adding up. If it was God's will that sickness and disease not exist, wouldn't that mean we would all live forever here, instead of eventually going to heaven to be with Him? Why are only some people healed through prayer and others not?? Is my level of faith going to determine whether or not my baby is healed??? I wasn't satisfied, so Colby felt the same way and convinced me to go back in there. Chris was glad to spend the time with us to sit and discuss these things. He explained that he personally believes that when our time is done here, we are to pass peacefully, at an old age, without disease. We were relieved to hear his honesty in saying that he couldn't answer our question about why some faithful people are not healed, while others are. He referenced Jesus' healings in the bible being because of those peoples' faith and reminded us that God has given each of us a certain measure of faith and that great things are possible if we have faith the size of a mustard seed. He reassured us that he sensed our faith was greater than that. He clarified that the idea of our our baby not being healed due to our lack of faith is completely false and warned us of his personal experience with that bondage. He told us that the body of Christ (those praying for us in Jesus' name) is there to lift us up where our faith may lack.

Chris also explained to us that we are praying these things from a place of authority, as we abide in Jesus, who sits at the right hand of God. We are praying these things down from Heaven, not crying out and begging up to God from way down here, on Earth.

We were even more encouraged after hearing the sermon on Sunday morning and receiving more prayer from Chris. We left with a new outlook. We have a renewed faith that includes confidence, boldness and peace. We are hoping that the overwhelming amount of people standing with us in prayer will join us as we pray for God's will on earth as it is in Heaven (specifically Isaiah 65:20).

"Never again will there be in it (the New Heavens) an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years."

-Isaiah 65:20a

(Music by Brian & Jenn Johnson)

Take Heart!

2007-10-10T23:45:00.002-07:00

I've joined the women's bible study at my church. I chose the one on Paul's letter to the Philippians because the major theme of it is experiencing peace and even joy during difficult circumstances. The teacher, Debbie Alsdorf describes it as "Living in the Meantime." I figured that the 4 1/2 months I would spend knowing that I'm carrying a baby that is only expected to live for a few hours is quite the "living in the meantime." Tonight's study focused more directly on courage during these times and how our lives as Christians aren't guaranteed to be walks in the park. On the contrary, Jesus tells us in the book of John, "I have told you these things so that you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Debbie also talked about not putting on a "brave Christian face." I couldn't if I tried tonight. I spent the entire evening either crying, trying to stop crying, or trying not to start again. Many days, when Colby and I have clear heads, we feel so close to God that we get to experience peace, joy, and even a sense of privilege to be going through this. Other days, like today, are a free for all. It reminds me of when I was in labor with Reid. Colby and I were committed to a medication-free birth. He was my certified coach. If I focused on him and his voice and direction from the moment a contraction is about to start, all the way until it passed, we were golden. If I lost focus at any time, everything seemed to spin out of control. I would be at the mercy of that pain, unable to refocus until that contraction passed and the next was about to begin. I seemed to have lost focus (on God) this morning. Everything spun out of control; I lost my patience with Reid, cried most the morning, and felt unable to regain control. I was just waiting for this day to pass, so I could start fresh tomorrow.

About the "brave Christian face..." I thought of myself as a pretty transparent person, in terms of being honest with myself and others with emotions through all of this. After all, I made it a point to create this blog in sheer honesty; not as a perfect devotional, not as a perfect example, but in perfect, transparent honesty. Colby disagrees though. We talked about it tonight and he said that I rarely give him the opportunity to hold me up. Again, the analogy of labor pains fits perfectly... He said that when I was in labor with Reid, he got to literally hold me up as I leaned all of my weight on him. I remember him telling me at the time that he would do it forever if he had to. Colby explained that during that time, he felt, more than any other time in his life, that he was fulfilling his purpose as a man and as my husband. He asked me to be more vulnerable with him, and give him that opportunity to hold me up though this.

Keep Praying!

2007-10-09T16:54:00.002-07:00

Our next ultrasound is scheduled for a week from today (Tuesday October 16th), with our original Perinatologist, the one who gave us the news orginally on August 14th.

6 Months... And Growing!

2007-10-03T18:18:00.002-07:00

I feel my baby move every day. Just like Reid did, this baby prefers to start the party just as I'm lying down for bed. I can feel him/her get the occassional hiccups, too.

Blessed

2007-09-30T12:48:00.002-07:00

Lately, I have felt so blessed to carry this baby. I believe that something about this baby is so special that it is worth the months I have and will spend carrying him/her, the pain I will experience in delivering him/her, and the pain we've experienced in knowing we will likely not get to raise him/her. Maybe this is because I remember, holding Reid for the first time (as well as during his first weeks of life), I had no clue he would be as special to me as he is now. Maybe it's because we always want what we cannot have. Or maybe it's because I've been entrusted by God with this baby. Whatever it is, I do feel honored to have this baby for as long as s/he is alive in me or in this world.

These are verses that Colby and I have been given a better understanding of through all of this...

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

-James 1:2-4

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of like that God has promised to those who love Him."

-James 1:12

Another Note from Colby

2007-09-27T12:45:00.002-07:00

Admitting that you cannot handle a situation is difficult. Looking into the future to some unknown event, which is perceived to be impossible, is a daunting task. This is nothing new and is a problem I face every single day. I am scared to death to wake in the middle of the night to groans from my wife lying next to me, telling me she's going into labor.

It wasn't that long ago that we had Reid. I remember the whole event so vividly; walking the neighborhood at night with my wife, holding her up as she experienced each contraction. I remember the smell and taste of the air: very clean, cold and crisp. Seeing the glow in the horizon toward the east, signaling a new day is coming and a new life is going to be introduced to the world... What an unforgettable and amazing day that was.

I am presently faced with the same situation, yet the picture I have is completely different. Waking with my wife in tears and not being able to stop them because I realize that this is the day my child dies. This day, not much different from others is the day I lose one of my greatest joys. I do not know what help I will be. I am scared that I will be so weak-minded, so mentally exhausted, and all my efforts of encouragement and stability will be met with doubt and fear.

If I find myself walking with my wife at dawn again, seeing the new day in the distance, breaking through the dark horizon, but feeling far different. Cursing the coming sun seems reasonable. How can I keep my focus on the task at hand when the outcome is so grim?

Dread... of losing my child, of failing to comfort my wife, of losing all rational thought, of mental breakdown, of losing or pushing away what little comfort my wife and I have. Are these not all legitimate fears?

I have nothing in my life that can respond to these fears, nothing that can displace or convince me that they are not real or relevant. Since I am convinced that I cannot battle them with my logic, reason or confidence what am I left with? Nothing. I have nothing. I am empty, I don't feel at times, and other times I feel far too much. I sit at work and do my job only because it brings temporary relief from thoughts of holding my dead child or dying child. I sit and look at Reid sometimes and pray to God with every ounce of sincerity I can muster and beg Him to please keep my son healthy. I cry out in the same way, with tears running down my face, "please don't take my child...say the word, just say the word and it will be done." I apologize seemingly everyday for, sometimes, I don't know what, because I am tossed to and fro so often. I recall Bible verse after verse to try and bring some sort of comfort, and I seem to be forced to recall verse after verse that brings condemnation at the same time...to what means? Where is this taking me and my family?

The exercise ends when I am thoroughly exhausted, when I cannot think anymore, or when my eyes, checks and jaw hurt so badly from sobbing. This happens at times without any trigger or explanation, sometimes more than once in a day. I end up sitting in complete silence, mostly because I am exhausted and I can't spend the energy on anything else.

It is then when I am quiet, still, peaceful... I am assured that it is okay.

I don't quite understand and don't expect anyone else to. I question, how, and that question is accompanied by assurance and knowledge that this is the only truth that I know. In that moment I have peace, and when I give up I have rest.

I am reminded of a story I read: A man was at a river, bathing with a group of others when he was separated from the rest and began to drown. As he thrashed about in the deep water, another man, who was the most skillful swimmer, was standing still and observing like the rest. The author explained how his resentment grew towards this man, who was much better equipped to save the drowning man. "How can this man stand idly by, while one of his own is drowning in his presence"? He knew that it would be nothing for the man to swim out and bring him to safety. The drowning man's struggle with the water was taking a turn for the worse, as he was slowly and painfully losing this battle. Just as the drowning man lost all strength and began to sink into the water the skillful swimmer took two great strides and brought the man to shore. The man was safe, exhausted, scared and overwhelmed, but safe. After the ordeal, the author confronted the man who had so callously waited until the last minute to save the drowning man. He asked him, "How could you sit by while one of your friends was drowning and do nothing until the last second? What kind of sick enjoyment do get out of watching the sufferings of those you call friends?"

The man replied, "I see you know nothing of swimming, so I will explain. If I would have rushed in to save him the moment he began to drown, his strength would have overpowered mine and we both would have drowned. I had to wait until he was finished fighting and all of his strength exhausted before I could save him."

When I give up the fight, it is over. Christ said, "It is finished," then drew his last breath. On that day the single greatest victory had been won. I wish to follow that example throughout my life -His example.

A Note from Colby

2007-09-20T12:42:00.002-07:00

Fewer times than I would like, have I been encouraged by people to follow Christ in the way I feel him leading me. It seems this kind of encouragement is usually contradicted by an accompanying, underlying reservation or advice, causing me to think those people did not trust me, or were afraid to trust God to guide my possible “misdirected faith.” I feel blessed and privileged since meeting with the Flemings last night. They’ve encouraged me to follow Christ, and Christ alone in this trial. I have found only peace and comfort in His arms, and though I waiver, fall, doubt, and sometimes fear the outcome, He does not.

Of Course He's Not Safe, But He is Good

2007-09-19T12:36:00.002-07:00

We’ve been so blessed by people who’ve wanted to come over this past month to bring us dinner and hang out with us, some of whom we don’t even know personally. Tonight Chuck and Daryl brought us dinner and company. The time we spent talking was so incredibly refreshing. We took from it a peace about how we are approaching God through this… Since Wednesday’s prayer night, we wondered if we were supposed to pray with that kind of authority, with an expectation that God would heal our baby, as opposed to how we felt comfortable praying -with hope and humility, in submission to God and His will. We wondered if our lacking of that expectation would prevent our baby from being healed, even though we knew that contradicted the love that He has for us.

Daryl told us about her friend who was faced with a similar situation. In the delivery room, where friends and family gathered in bold, authoritative prayer that the baby down the hall would be miraculously healed of all of its fatal (internal) deformations, the new mother quietly asked permission to pray. With tears running down from closed eyed, she spoke to God with a smile and told Him that whether she is to live a life caring for a disabled child or give her baby to God, it is His baby, and His will be done. That is the kind of obedience I would like to live.

While we can’t fully understand everything that is happening in our lives, much less in this world, Chuck reminded us of the line in C.S. Lewis’ book “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe,” about Aslan (Jesus), not necessarily being safe, but He is good. Throughout this experience, regardless of the outcome, He is good.

A Note from Daryl

2007-09-15T20:23:00.002-07:00

I received this email today from Daryl, our pastor's wife, and I thought it, at the very least, blog-worthy... Thanks, Daryl!

"I know you had another opinion and still received the same news.....that is so hard! We are praying and know that God can only do good. I have a quote in the front of my Bible : 'God is kind in ways that do not fit the mind.' I love that....He can only be good, He can only be kind. Sometimes it doesn't fit our mind by definition....but, as you are in this trial, and for the rest of your lives, may you lean your full weight on Him. I love the verse in Song of Solomon that reads, 'Who is this coming out of the wilderness leaning on her Beloved?' We do come out of wildernesses - we do have a faithful Beloved. I have another quote on my fridge so I read it everyday: 'It is faith that rescues us when the cracks in our lives become too wide for our beliefs to straddle.'

God is blessed by our trust....He pushes us beyond our own resources into trust. We were made for that completely trusting relationship...no worries, no stress....just complete serenity because we trust so radically His love for us - no matter how the circumstances appear. You are the challis for His baby, and He knows exactly what He is doing.....and He can do anything. Whatever He chooses it will be good and kind. I have been there.....it is so stretching and stripping....that always hurts our humanity - but as 'heavenlings' we rest - a paradox that earthlings could not understand.....and we struggle with it, too - but none the less, it is truth....beautiful, uncompromising truth. You will only be the more beautiful for this trial if you keep pressing into Him - and who knows who Reid is growing up to be and who He is going to be for the Kingdom - I have come to realize after 20 years of raising children that often what we "endure" in the way of heartache, trials and pain, is not for us but for our children. It shapes them in some way -and we are being watched, studied, felt, believed.....we aren't to be stoic, but real in front of our children - no matter their age. But how we resolve things with Jesus gets written on their hearts and shapes them for all eternity. Who is Reid? Who is the baby in your womb? How is the Lord shaping them and weaving them together to speak of Himself? Do you trust the weaving, the sacrifices of each to the other, of you to them both? Do you trust (not just believe in) their Creator? Could this be all about Reid? God doesn't waste anything, so it will ultimately be about all of us connected with your lives..... We are intimately connected through this baby......this baby shapes all of us. You are the challis, you are the heartbeat......and as your heartbeat matches that of the great Rabi, we will all be changed, made more like Him, no matter what He does in His kindness.

Kristen and Colby, you are about light, and love and beauty and truth.........that does not change when kidneys are not present........it only means you shine the more. Reid will bask in the Light.......and God will be infinitely wise and good.......I can promise you that.

I love you dearly, Daryl"

A Second Opinion

2007-09-14T17:17:00.002-07:00

The doctor we met today was very compassionate as she delivered the same news we received a month ago. We didn't imagine it being so difficult to hear the same thing again: no fluid, no kidneys, under-developed lungs... and an enlarged adrenal (sp?) gland, which often accompanies the lack of kidneys. She was kind enough to answer all of our questions and concerns, including our concern of what we should expect our baby to be like when he or she is born. She had recently assisted a mom deliver her twins, one of whom was healthy and the other with Potter's Syndrome. She explained that the twin with Potter's Syndrome could not let out a cry, due to its under-developed lungs and did not turn pink like the other one did minutes after birth. She offered to show us a photo, which that mom had brought to her that morning as a thank you. It showed both of the twins lying next to each other. We agreed that we wanted to see it and were relieved to find that they didn't look all that different from each other at first glance. We saw that the twin with Potter's Syndrome was a bit blue-ish still and its nose was a bit mushed from the lack of space. The doctor also explained that babies with very little room because of the lack of fluid will often have their noses pressed in a bit like that, as well as a few other minor differences. Another thing we asked from the doctor was that she try to find out Baby's gender for us, since we were unable to get a view during the last ultrasound. We were able to get a view this time, but unfortunately, there was no black contrast of amniotic fluid to make out the specifics. Maybe next time.

During our ride home, our disappointment made us aware of the amount of hope that had arisen in us. The rest of the day was almost as difficult as the first day, in telling our friends and family the results of our appointment. We decided to continue pressing into God for our miracle and plan to spend these remaining few months doing just that.

A New Boldness

2007-09-14T08:07:00.002-07:00

Since Wednesday night, Colby and I have experienced a new boldness to ask God for healing. I've realized that my reluctance to hope isn't going to make this any easier to experience, nor is it going to better prepare me for what I'm about to experience. Still, we are both so nervous about this afternoon's doctor appointment.

(music by Sherri Youngward)

Last Night's Prayer Meeting

2007-09-13T11:58:00.002-07:00

Last night's prayer meeting was like nothing else we've ever experienced. It was pretty intense. People prayed in tongues, pleaded with God, and prayed with an authority and boldness that we were unfamiliar with. We felt so humbled at how much people care for us and our baby.

Coincidence?

2007-09-11T11:55:00.002-07:00

My friend, Danaly emailed this morning, telling me about a sermon she listed to about healing and how inspired she felt to lay hands on my belly to pray for our little baby's healing, if I would allow it. A little bit later, Colby's mom, Debbie called me to tell me about a conversation she had just had with Tina, her friend who runs the Livermore Pregnancy Center. Tina, who had posted a picture of kidneys in the place where she prays for us, mentioned a strong desire she had to lay hands on my belly in prayer. She said that when she had seen me at the fair a few days previously, she had to restrain herself from dropping to her knees and doing it right then! Debbie also explained that she had that same desire, but was afraid to bring it up because she knew I was hesitant to hope. She admitted that all the that times she asked me if the baby was moving, she was hoping to not only feel the baby move, but also to lay hands on me and pray for Baby without upsetting me. Three people confronting me with the same desire in the same morning... I told them all that I would be honored. Debbie felt an urgency to do this as soon as possible, considering that the appointment with the other Perinatologist for a second opinion is scheduled for Friday, the 14^th. So, we set aside time tomorrow night and invited some other close friends who we knew would be interested. I'm feeling a bit nervous, but excited about it.

Hope and Trust

2007-09-09T16:53:00.002-07:00

We went to church this evening and were challenged to sit with God in silence. It made me realize that I’ve been asking all of these incredibly difficult questions and trying to answer them as best I could for God, rather than giving Him the opportunity to answer me Himself. Maybe I’ve been doubting that He’d answer me.

Some of these questions include …

Since it seems easier to let go, rather than hope for healing, why should I hope for healing? Getting my hopes up for a healing, it seems would only set me up for further disappointment.

If I choose to not get my hopes up for a healing, will my unbelief be to blame if my baby is not healed?

I assumed that Colby was going through the same emotions and questions, but when I realized what an asinine assumption that was, I decided I should share all of this with him. I told him that I experience peace when I let our baby go and pain when I hope for healing. I am afraid to hope. He assured me that hope is a good thing and suggested that we look in the bible for scripture that referred to hope and trust. Here are some of the versus that we read. Almost everything told us to put our hope/trust in God…

Psalm 25:3a - No one whose hope is in you (God) will ever be put to shame…

Psalm 62:5-8 - Find rest, oh my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, oh people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.

Proverbs 3:5 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

Isaiah 40:30-31 - Even youth grows tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will sore on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Lamentations 3:19-23 – I will remember my affliction and my wondering, the bitterness and the gall. I will remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Colby reminded me that when we originally began to experience peace in the midst of this, it was because our hope was being put in God, not necessarily in a result (i.e. our baby’s healing).

This doesn’t mention hope or trust, but applies too perfectly to omit…

Lamentations 3:31-33 - For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love. For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men. (BTW, was anyone else unaware of a book of the bible called “Lamentations”??!! Oops.)

We will continue to pray for a healing, but our hope and trust is in God. We believe that as long as our hope and trust is in God, we will not be disappointed.

Fear

2007-09-06T16:52:00.002-07:00

Colby just called. He said he's come to the realization that he can't handle this. That's probably a good thing because it's true. We can't handle this, and that is forcing us to rely on God in a way we've only thought we had done before all of this.

He also told me that he's afraid to love our baby and that some times he doesn't even want to feel it move. Me too. Last night I admitted to myself how much I want this baby. I told God, "I don't care who is supposed to be affected by this or how. Find another way. I want this baby." I wondered if any peace I may have experienced previously could have merely been confused complacency. I don't really think so, but the thought has made its way through my head, and Colby's too.

We have our second opinion appointment scheduled in a week from tomorrow. I'm afraid to entertain the thought of discovering a miracle. Some sort of mistake that the other doctor may have made...

We're afraid to love and hope. I guess it's easier to let go. Regardless, I can't help but want this baby and ask God for something that I don't believe He'll give me. Maybe He'll prove me wrong.

A Sense of Normalcy

2007-08-26T16:51:00.002-07:00

Last night we had a bunch of friends over for a PPV fight, something that we would do once every few months. Everything felt so normal that I would forget any of this was even happening, if it weren't for the occassional, reassuring kicks in my belly. We enjoyed being surrounded by our friends and having that temporary sense of normalcy.

Paralysis

2007-08-21T16:50:00.002-07:00

I woke up this morning feeling paralyzed, unable to get out of bed. I thought this was supposed to get easier, not harder! I suppose that I had just been so preoccupied with Reid's birthday party that this all still hadn't completely hit me.

Colby cried and prayed with me. Our prayers have been so raw lately. I asked God to help me just get out of bed. That was when the phone rang. I jokingly asked God if that was Him. It was Colby's mom letting us know that she had been up since 4am. She had already gotten showered and dressed with the feeling that she needed to come over and help with Reid and with getting our house back in order from last weekend's party. I got out of bed and got dressed, not even seeing God's immediate response.

My mom called a bit later. I was honest about how I was doing and she and my aunt came over with lunch. That was nice. Colby was there too because his car overheated on his was to work this morning. He was stranded on the side of the rode with the question, "What more?"

Potter's Syndrome

2007-08-20T16:48:00.002-07:00

I feel like there is so little within this situation that is within my control and that little that there is, I am anxious to take control of (for example, funeral arrangements, mementos, research, etc.). However when I tried to do so, I completely fell apart all over again. My peace was gone. I did learn some stuff though. I learned that my baby's condition is called "Potter's Syndrome." I asked Colby why the doctor never told us this, but he said he did. I guess I was just in a fog or something. Anyway, Colby found a great website with information about it: http://www.potterssyndrome.org/potterslinks.html.

Who Am I...

2007-08-19T16:47:00.002-07:00

"Who Am I that that you gave everything?

Who am I to withhold anything?"

I listened to my "Sons & Daughters" album by Sherri Youngward for the fist time in quite a while. These lyrics from her song, "Stars" have really stuck with me since.

(Music by Sherri Youngward)

The Lady in the Restaurant

2007-08-19T16:39:00.002-07:00

We met our good friends, Kim and Darren for breakfast this morning with our little ones. They've been so supportive to us this past week. As we were preparing to leave, the woman at the table next to us started asking about Reid. I gloated about his big one year birthday coming in one day. As I stood up, she announced, "Oh, and you have another one coming." She proceeded to ask all of the standard questiond regarding due date, gender, etc. I forced a smile and gave quick answers, reminding myself that I could handle this, as I was able to handle it with the last two women who made polite conversation with the same questions in the past week. But then she bagan to awe about how the two of them would grow up so close in age and how close in age her own two kids were growing up. I felt my face grow hot and pushed back the tears until I could at least get far enough away to not have to explain myself.

Kim continued to stand next to me, rubbing my back as I faked a pleasant agreement and followed Colby who had bolted out of the restaurant with Reid. Finally, I was at the door and could allow the tears to flow.

Reid's Birthday Party

2007-08-18T16:38:00.002-07:00

The party was a great success. Reid was a hit, as always.

I was probably as nervous about seeing most of our friends for the first time since all of this, as they were about seeing us. We tried to ensure that the word got out to everyone beforehand, so we wouldn't have to break the news for the first time to anyone there, or even worse, have to try to act as if nothing was happening until we could share the news at a more appropriate time. The last thing we want to do is pretend like I'm not even pregnant.

Philippeans 4:7

2007-08-17T16:35:00.002-07:00

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Colby and I have finally learned what this means. We have found that peace which transcends all understanding. I do believe God can perform a miracle here, astounding the doctors with kidneys and amniotic fluid at the next ultrasound. However, I don't believe He will in this case and we have a peace about that.

This peace is so strong that both Colby and I feel an ironic sense of honor and gratitude that we would be chosen to experience something this intense and that we are entrusted with this baby, to carry it and love it for however much time God blesses us with it.

We know God is grieving with us. We have seen our relationship with Him and with each other deepen since Monday. We know He is with us and that our baby will be with Him. I will continue to express my desire to God for my baby to be healed everyday for the rest of this pregnancy, but I trust that God loves this baby even more than I do and find peace despite all the confusion.

Still Setting In...

2007-08-16T16:33:00.002-07:00

I went to Babies R Us today to exchange something for Reid. As I was walking out the door, I stopped with the feeling that there was something else I had needed to do there. I looked around at each of the departments, hoping to jog my memory.

"That's right... I'd been meaning to come here to test out the strollers I'd been researching," I thought to myself. I found myself standing in front of the double strollers and my mind went blank. "I'm not having twins. Why would I need this?" I wondered, feeling brain-dead. Then it hit me. I don't need this after all. I won't be pushing Reid around with his little brother or sister as I had been envisioning for the past four and a half months. My baby wouldn't even leave the hospital for me to show it what sunshine, grass and wind are.

I walked away, shocked at myself for what I'd just done. I rubbed my belly and assured my baby that the sun would shine brighter, the grass would be softer and greener, and the air crisper in Heaven.

Matthew 18:20

2007-08-16T16:13:00.002-07:00

"For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them."

After breaking the news with our moms and a couple friends, we asked that they inform the rest of our family and friends. Those people told their family and friends and within a couple days we had hundreds, if not thousands of people, near and far, praying for us.

A Re-Realization

2007-08-15T16:07:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I wondered how many times throughout the four and a half months to follow that I would have to re-realize all of this, the same way we wake up in hotel rooms and require a moment to remember where we are and what we're doing there. Last night was the first of probably many. I woke up in the middle of the night. Colby was sleeping. My thoughts took off on their own, replaying everything. I rubbed my belly and apologized to my baby.

Before I knew it, I was sobbing so hard I woke Colby up. He rushed to me and calmed me down after a few minutes. I don't remember much of what I said besides asking him if he thought our little baby would be in heaven or if that was just something you find in Hallmark cards. I told him I didn't know much about heaven and asked him to read me everything the bible has to say about it.

We held each other and cried a while and tried to go back to sleep.

Visit to the Specialist

2007-08-14T15:40:00.002-07:00

The drive to see the specialist is dreadful. We keep our shameful thoughts private, wrongly assuming that the other would never think such things like… Are we going to be those people who are caring for their thirty-something year-old child because they are disabled from living an unassisted, independent life? Would I really prefer that over the reality of my baby not surviving? Guilt is happy to join us on this drive.

Here we are in the Perinatologist’s office. This is where people go when they are having complicated pregnancies. It’s clear we don’t belong here. Surely they’ll learn that and send us back to our regular doctor.

Our doctor is pleasant. The room is darkened and the doctor peers in via ultrasound to see our little baby all curled up. Hours seem to pass. As he reassuringly pats my knee; Hope walks further out the door. Finally he finishes. The lights go on and it’s time to hear what we already know. The doctor confirms that Baby has virtually no amniotic fluid in the sac that is supposed to be protecting it while in my womb. The doctor gently explains to us that the reason for this is because Baby never developed kidneys and therefore is unable to create the fluid by peeing. “Ok… And?” “And your baby is only expected to live a short time if you decide to continue the pregnancy.”

Our emotions begin to pour down our faces. The doctor explains that it takes a few days to die of kidney failure and we would be able to take the baby home and comfort him or her during that time. I’m starring into my lap, imagining the moment when I go to lift my baby from its bassinet to discover its lifeless, little body. I would have no idea what to do. My thought is interrupted when the doctor considers that, due to the lack of amniotic fluid, Baby’s lungs will be underdeveloped and he or she will die of breathing complications within a few hours, before kidney failure will even begin to affect him/her. We won't get to take our baby home after all. Maybe it's better that way.

The doctor offers the option to terminate the pregnancy, but Colby quickly speaks up and says that is not an option. I sit silently in agreement. The doctor nods understandingly and never brings it up again. I ask him if Baby will experience any pain while in my belly or after it is born. He assures me that the baby is perfectly happy and comfortable in my womb, and because it is living off of my body, I will be able to carry it full-term. Once the baby is born, it will not be in pain and we will get to have that time to comfort him/her until s/he passes.

I think about the many possible times this doctor must have had this conversation with expectant parents in his career. I asked him if these are the only kinds of patients he sees. He smiles kindly, and replies that he sees patients who are having complicated pregnancies, whether because of the baby’s health, the mother’s health, or medical history. “So, you probably have to give news like this quite often?” I ask. “Yes,” he responds with his smile. “That’s a pretty sucky job,” I reply with a half sob, half laugh. “Well…” the doctor trails off.

He then offers us as much time as we need to ourselves, which we accept and spend crying, holding and apologizing to each other. When he returned, he told us that he would have a social worker call us to talk about the non-medical part of this (funeral, I presume?) and we schedule our next appointment together, where we’ll have another ultrasound and discuss what to expect on the day of birth.

Colby and I stroll through the hospital courtyard -the same place where I went through early labor with Reid. We reminisce about that day, pointing out the bench where the security guard offered me a wheelchair, as well as the exact bush I puked in while onlookers pretended not to notice. We drive away with the flowers that Colby bought me in the courtyard and agree that we never imagined something like this would ever happen to us. Now I guess we go tell our moms and the rest of the world.

The Ultrasound

2007-08-13T19:50:00.002-07:00

My husband, Colby and I have been looking forward to today's routine 20-week ultrasound. It's the day that we get to see our baby and hear that everything is normal, as usual. The most important thing on our minds was making sure that the ultrasound tech kept Baby's gender a surprise for us! We were anxious to reach this milestone in the pregnancy of our second baby, but that sense of excited anxiety quickly changed to a dizzying anxiety when we learned that there was virtually no amniotic fluid in the baby's amniotic sac.

We were scheduled to see a Perinatologist the following day to confirm what this meant. Colby and I tried unsuccessfully to calm our imaginations and emotions on the way home. A whole day before we can have any chance for peace of mind?? I had to research online to find out what we might be in for, only to find grim news, mostly pointing towards the worst case scenario. How could this be happening? Reid is about to turn one year old. He's the healthiest baby I know. My pregnancy with him was perfect. Even the labor and delivery was just as I had planned and prepared for. This pregnancy was going exactly the same. I started feeling this baby move at 16 weeks, two weeks earlier than with Reid. Colby even got to feel it move a couple nights ago! This is impossible. My baby is healthy. This must be a mistake.

(music by Sherri Youngward)